We have all had past relationships and partners that were not the right fit, were not the healthiest or created fears and insecurities within ourselves. If you have been there and experienced such things, I want to share with you some vital lessons I have learned and ways to ensure we are with the right person that is healthy and helps us grow as a person; and how to revive our current relationship with new ways of thinking and healthier ways of handling situations.
First, I want to cover a huge misconception that I have always heard, that in relationships it is 50/50 or even 100/100. That is the biggest lie I have heard when it comes to relationships. That gives false hopes and false standing with a partner and can lead to many issues. A relationship with your partner is not those numbers above but a total of a 100 percent together.
Let me break this down some. If you come home one day exhausted, stressed, frustrated, whatever it may be, you may only have 20 percent that day. That is your responsibility to voice that and confide in your partner that that is all you have to give that day and that is where they are to cover you and pull the other 80 percent to get through the day together. This goes both ways, your partner one day may only have 40 percent and that is your duty to carry the other 60 to get through the day together with support and kindness. Let me make this clear, this does not give space or the right to take out any of those emotions on a low percentage on your partner, it is an opportunity to be open and real with your partner and allow them to be there to support you.
There will be days where you may only have 10 percent and your partner only has 25 percent, that is when you sit down together, voice how you feel to each other and you sit together and cultivate a plan of kindness towards each other. You do this anytime you have less than a 100 percent combined, that way you are aware of the others needs and feelings in order to not hurt them or cause issues in the relationship. This can be difficult some days and there will be days you are running so low on energy and effort and it would be easy to shut your partner out but think about how you would feel or have felt when you have been shut out, not good. A partnership works when you can carry their 20 percent or they can carry your 20 percent and that when you both just have 20 percent, you have a plan where you don’t cause harm to each other.
Another huge thing is when there is conflict or an issue at hand, we tend to look at it as a "me against you, or a you against me", that is completely incorrect. When there is an issue, you or your partner has done something that has upset you, or a conflict in life, that is a " us against it". When we look at it as the first way, against each other, that can be a big problem and lead to anger and even resentment. We must try to remember that when something like this happens, it is you and your partner against the issue.
That can be hard to do, especially if it is in a form of hurt but the thing or action that caused the hurt is the problem. That is when we should take the time when ready to discuss the issue together and inform each other how it makes us feel and form a plan to not let that happen again. There will be times when emotions are raw and tempers are hot, that is when you voice to each other that now is not a good time to discuss it and we will come back to this after we have calmed or cooled down. This ensures that we do not speak out of raw emotions or anger and do more harm than good.
The next thing can tie in to the last one big time. Our communication, this is a big one for a lot of people and even myself in the past. When we are talking with our partner about how we feel or about where we feel neglect, hurt or whatever it may be, our phrasing is so important. For example, if you are discussing with your partner about how you feel, slow down and think about what you are saying. Use a more healthy phrase like, "I feel like you don’t give me the attention I need/want", rather than an accusing phrase, " You don’t give me the attention I need/want". Saying it in a healthier way, expressing how something makes you "feel", that gives space for your partner to hear your feelings and doesn’t make them feel like they are being attacked, you are simply voicing how you feel and they can see that what they are doing may not be serving you best in a certain area the way they thought.
When we speak our truth and come from a place of love and patience, we are informing our partner of our needs and desires and giving them the opportunity to hear them and evaluate their actions. We cannot expect our partners to read our minds. If we do not voice these feelings, concerns, triggers, things that upset us or make us uncomfortable, they will not know. When we do not express those things to each other, we let anger and resentment take hold and wedge a gap in between us because we may think, "they should know how I feel" or "if they respected me they wouldn’t do that". Again, if you have not informed your partner of this particular emotion, thought or feeling, they will not know. We cannot assume they know how we feel.
It all comes back to learning each other, expressing our thoughts and feelings with each other in a healthy manner and giving each other space to absorb these things in order to make changes if necessary and to give love to the parts that ache. It is our job in a relationship to take the time to learn each other, to learn each other's needs and love languages. It is also our job to voice those same things to our partner in order for them to better know our hearts and needs in order to have a healthy relationship. It takes time, patience, safe space and tenderness to do this for one another but if you want something to last and grow, this is part of the work to ensure that.
When we learn each other better and see that the other is trying and making effort, that is what counts. We can't expect that our partner will be able to flip a switch right away when we voice these things to be able to get it right from here on out, that is not realistic. If you are able to cultivate a healthy and safe space to communicate to each other, you can discuss these things more over time and revisit things if you feel that a certain thing is being forgotten or neglected and then come up with a plan to better handle it in the future.
It is not easy and it will not happen overnight. A relationship that is healthy, strong and thriving will take constant work, patience, understanding and forgiveness. Now, saying all this doesn't mean that if your partner is not respecting your feelings and deliberately ignores them, that is not a healthy relationship and that is left for you to decide if this is the relationship for you.
We have to be the cheerleader and biggest fan of our partner, if you are not, you are not far from the ruin of that relationship. There are 8 billion people in the world and we picked this one person as the one we are going to have the most intimate relationship with. If you can't have kind words for them the majority of the time, whether that be to them or to other people in regards to them, you are in the wrong relationship.
We should be happy with our partner and have a safe space within each other to come together and discuss our deepest feelings and hold space for each other with kindness, patience, understanding and love. I hope you are able to take something from this today and I only wish for each of you to be happy, seen and heard within your relationships. With all my love and light.
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